What a year it has been, but as crap as it may have seemed it has been one of the best years of my life, there were some very dark moments and times when there has been hope brought from where there seemed to be no hope but most importantly, for me there was stability, safety and calm.
One thing about this year and having the Lymphoma was that I KNEW my enemy, the previous years with the ITP, I was trying to make sense of the randomness that it brought about, I didn't know if I woke up in the morning and felt fine if an hour later I was going to feel fine, maybe my stomach would rip open, maybe I would get a cut and have to go to hospital, maybe I would come out in my blood blisters, maybe my headaches would be back. I didn't have to worry about when I was on the chemo, if I woke up fine, I stayed fine for the rest of the day, STABILITY, and I knew I was going to be OK.
Next is the people that have helped me through this year. I have always been incredibly lucky (or had good taste in friends) and been blessed with how fantastic and understanding they are, this year I have made more friends, and friends that now mean a lot to me and I feel that I am never going to be able to repay anyone for what they have done for me over the years and especially over the last year. I keep wanting to say they have been distractions but it feels to put the wrong tone on the relationships, but they have given me hope and guidance and made me feel SAFE.
Which brings me onto the next part, feelings, I've always guided myself with the quote "always be happy, never be satisfied" and I have always been happy, happy was the only emotion I was good at (and still is) but over the last year I felt so much more than happy, I have been sad, I have felt cared for, I have felt fear and I have felt love. It makes me think I was a bit of a robot before and sometimes I wish I could go back to being that way. But it has been incredibly nice at times. But throughout it all I have remained CALM.
Thank you EVERYONE for EVERYTHING you have done, it may seem like nothing to you, but to me... :)